On turning 50.

Fifty trips around the sun.

The half-century mark. The big five-oh.

      I wish I could just give this particular birthday a miss; just to let it go by without remark, with no mention of where I am in life.

      The annual reminder that I'm still on this side of the dirt has been, so far, bearable, and for the first several years mostly enjoyable. Turning forty wasn't too big of a deal. But this year... well, this year is different.

     The older we get, the more we reflect on where we are, where we've been, and where we are going. Or, to be honest, where we'd like to be going.

     When I was in high school, I absolutely knew I'd be in a famous band, playing on stages around the world to adoring audiences. I'd have all the gold I could eat and never worry if there would be money enough to pay for a car or a house.

After high school, reality began to seep into my vision of the future; slowly, ever so slowly, but seep it did. The fame, money, cars and houses faded from a definite vision to a dream. There was always the thought, “Maybe, just maybe...” I held on to the dream for a long, long time. At some point, and I can't put a finger on a particular date, the dream was tempered into a mere wish.

     Playing music is still a passion, but I've never progressed beyond schlepping equipment into and out of bars. That probably won't change.

     So here I am, on the threshold of fifty, and instead of looking back at a lifetime of accomplishments, of a street I've paved with gold, past a mansion and a Cadillac for each day of the week, I find myself looking over my shoulder at a gravel road strewn with mistakes.

     But that's just a casual glance. A closer look reveals a few gems: I've got two beautiful, smart kids, of whom I'm very proud; I know what it's like to love, and to be loved; I've been moved by music, and I've been able to move other people with music.

     I'm reminded of an old song, “The Good Times Outweigh the Bad:”

I've been sittin' here thinkin' back over my life
All of the good things; the trouble and strife
My share of worries, so many I've had
But I still think the good times outweigh the bad

     My life is starting over; a re-boot, if you will. I don't know how many years I have left (none of us do), but I'm starting to look forward to whatever I have left. It's been a while since I've been able to say that. Not without some effort on my part, and quite a lot of encouragement from some others, for which I am grateful (you know who you are; thank you).

     I guess that what I have is hope. Hope that tomorrow will be better than today. Hope that things have gone as low as they're going to. Hope that I'm not quite over the hill. Hope that I can find a way to prove myself, to set myself apart.

     Maybe, just maybe, hope is the best thing to have.